Question:
can u improve this??? this is my introduction that introduce the topic of myspace?
HELP??!!!!??!?!
2008-10-21 23:38:10 UTC
this is a compare and contrast essay:

“What are you doing on my Myspace!” –a typical young teenager might say to her mother who is determining to figure out what her daughter does on her free time. Over the years, especially this new era of generation, our communication skills has drastically improved from communicating in person, to talking on the phone to emailing and finally to Myspace and Facebook; nevertheless, the epidemic of these social networks has diluted the minds of American people causing many conversable issue that we face today. In fact, Myspace and Facebook have manifested the internet as one of the best website to share music, pictures, profiles, and personal information’s on the net. Over the years, there are multiple reasons why we should allow or should not allow these websites to be introduced to teenagers. Two of the unique article that came upon me was by Angela Adair Fowler and Michael Bugeja in “The Facebook Addition Spreads” and in “Facing the Facebook” respectively. Although both authors have different point of views, some similarities were, in fact, Myspace and Facebook are a fascinated topic that changed and evolved the lifestyles of many American peoples and the whole world. To this extent, I truly believe what Fowler and Bugeja have to offer.

my outline is like:
introductio to my space( which is above)
2 paragraph summaries fowler
3 essay is my example why fowler is correct
4th is bugeja summary
5th is my example why bugeja is correct
6th is my conclusion

Question: should i keep the outline like that or is there a better way??
also can u give me a grade on my introduction? thanks

Note: u can remove stuff or rewrite it if u like =)
Four answers:
2008-10-22 00:23:21 UTC
Well, if it helps in anyway, I got rid of some gramatical erorrs and a few inconsistencies:



“What are you doing on my MySpace!” –a typical young teenager might say to her mother determined to figure out what her daughter does on her free time. Over the years, especially this new era, our communication skills have drastically improved from simple communicating in person, then using the phone and finally to electronic media like e-mailing and websites like Myspace and Facebook; nevertheless, the epidemic of these social networks has diluted the minds of American people causing many conversable issues that we face today. In fact, MySpace and Facebook have been manifested on the internet as one of the best websites to share music, pictures and personal information’s on the net. Over the years, there have been multiple reasons why we should or should not allow these websites to be introduced to teenagers. Two unique articles that came upon me were written by Angela Adair Fowler and Michael Bugeja, “The Facebook Addition Spreads” and “Facing the Facebook” respectively. Although both authors have different points of view, there is a similiraty: MySpace and Facebook are fascinating tools that had changed and improved the lifestyles of a lot of internet users. To this extent, I truly believe Fowler and Bugeja's articles.



-You should probably improve your writing style. You had a lot of dangling ideas like:



(You didn't have a supporting idea for:)



"Myspace and Facebook have manifested the internet as one of the best website to share music, pictures, profiles, and personal information’s on the net"



If this is a research of some sort, you should always assume that the readers haven't got the slightest clue of your subject. The text should have an idea, then a supporting idea and another if necessary.



-Fragments and weak constructions:



"Over the years, especially this new era of generation, our communication skills has drastically improved from communicating in person, to talking on the phone to emailing and finally to Myspace and Facebook; nevertheless, the epidemic of these social networks has diluted the minds of American people causing many conversable issue that we face today"



I think the "Over the years" is not needed in the sentence, but I assume that you want to state the progressive nature of that "improvement". And also, I changed "new era of generation" to just "new era". It's sort of redundant and that's something you want to avoid in making a research/thesis/term paper. Then you said there were reasons why we should not allow teenagers (and so on). What are the reasons?



I did some alterations like adding "been" and some deleting. I hope this would help you! ☺
2008-10-22 00:21:18 UTC
Try this:

A question that haunts mother everywhere is "What is my child doing on myspace?". Over the years, especially this new era of generation, our communication skills has drastically improved from communicating in person, to talking on the phone to emailing and finally to Myspace and Facebook. Nevertheless, the epidemic of these social networks has diluted the minds of American people causing many conversable issues that we face today. In fact, Myspace and Facebook have manifested the internet as one of the best website to share music, pictures, profiles, and personal information’s on the net. Over the years, there are multiple reasons why we should allow or should not allow these websites to be introduced to teenagers. Two of the unique article that came upon me was by Angela Adair Fowler and Michael Bugeja in “The Facebook Addition Spreads” and in “Facing the Facebook” respectively. Although both authors have different point of views, some similarities were, in fact, Myspace and Facebook are a fascinated topic that changed and evolved the lifestyles of many American peoples and the whole world. To this extent, I truly believe what Fowler and Bugeja have to offer.

Its really good though.



No your question is not a thesis. A thesis is a theory, not an opinion. When stating a thesis, make sure that you dont use the word I because it turns it into an opinion. A thesis is a statement that youre experimenting on.



Your intro is really good. It made me want to read the rest of your essay. Tell me how you did when its been graded.
Glitch
2008-10-22 00:20:30 UTC
Well, first off, make sure you proof-read your essay before finalizing it. Correct punctuation and spelling errors. Don't just rely on spell check, actually re-read for errors.



Second, you need to clarify some of your statements. Saying things like "this era of generation" is too wordy and redundant. Look at your word choices.



Your position on social networking needs to be clearer. First, you say that communication has "drastically improved", then you say that improvement is an "epidemic" (epidemic has a negative implication). Even though it is a compare/contrast essay, you should still have an opinion.



Third, try and stay away from writing ticks such as "over the years", "in fact", and "to this extent".



In your outline, you should present the two articles in the body of the essay. Leave the final analysis of who is correct for the conclusion.



As for the thesis, you should introduce the talking points that will be in the body of the essay. Simply stating that you like what the two articles offer isn't much of a thesis statement. If you have having trouble with it, fall back on the basic three point statement - "The pitfalls of social networking sites are this, this, and this" (not a very good example, but all I could think of to illustrate what I'm talking about).



Overall, I can see where you are wanting to go with the essay, but there needs to be a little bit more clarification, like I said earlier.



Hope some of this helps!
wheeeeee man
2008-10-21 23:48:19 UTC
i suggest you proof read that for verb tense, word choice and puncuation.

dont try to buff up your vocab too much just for an essay.

i didnt read the whole thing but the first few lines were alright.

just write it and see how it turns out.


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