need critique/opinions on this paragraph?

Question

its for a descriptive writing assignment. what can i do to improve this?

Walking down the lane way, the fresh scent of pine and moisture fills my nostrils. A few meters in front of me stands the familiar green and white cabin I spent my childhood summers in since I was five. I sighed with relaxation as the afternoon sunbeams down on the sparkling, crystal clear lake. The birds chirped as if they are welcoming me back. I can never get enough of the campfire smell that never seems to diminish.
The gravel under my feet crunches as I walk towards the cabin; my feet are not very forgiving as the larger rocks dig into my souls. Excitement rips through my body as I subconsciously predict how fun the summer will play out, and suddenly all the worries that engulfed me since leaving this fine cabin a year ago, flees from my conscience. This, this is my second home.

Answer 1

Very nice and descriptive!



Maybe you can add a "that" in here



A few meters in front of me stands the familiar green and white cabin (THAT) I spent my childhood summers in since I was five.



But if you think it sounds nice without it, I don't think it's a problem! :)

Answer 2

I won't grade it (grades are extremely meaningless), yet i will critique. First, you have it broken into 3 paragraphs, not one (as your question implies). normally however, the undertaking is grammar, particularly punctuation. you have commas the place you shouldn't and not something the place you will have a comma. incorrect their/there/they're selections as nicely, improperly conjugated verbs, and utilising the incorrect pronoun. right here's a greater the perfect option, edited version. adjustments are in brackets ([...]) something only bumped off and meant to be sparkling would be replaced with # : video games are relaxing to play[, yet transforming into addicted and drawn into them is easy]. video games are[,] often[,] undesirable, as we are able to many times spend to[o] many hours in one section taking part in. some human beings play for hours and hours, even however this is [in basic terms] appropriate to play video games for in basic terms some hours. taking part in video games for hours on end can [make your well being and studying behavior volatile], to not point out [the] loss of sleep [they reason]. ["video games are undesirable"] is one debatable subject right this moment. individuals are afraid to confess that video games are a waste[.] [G]reat writers interior the 1800#s have been wonderful writers# as a results of fact they did not have something like video games to lie to them. famous business enterprise leaders right this moment# have not extremely performed video games that plenty seeing as [there have been] not many around. Now there [are] a substantial volume of video games that may draw us in and waste our time. in addition to, college is often drawing nearer and nearer, and as we waste time taking part in video games[, we lose] effective time to earnings. If in basic terms electorate right this moment took the time to earnings for the time of the hours that they wasted taking part in video games, they might prevail. --- I choose i ought to describe the adjustments to you, extremely, yet I found out my grammar with the aid of examining fiction memories. As such, i don't continually be conscious of the reasoning - only what seems or sounds perfect and what would not.

Answer 3

It is really good. What kind of birds?