Can anyone fix my composition?

Question

I'm a student from Taiwan. Recently, I have written an Enlish composition - a movie reflection of John Q..
My school teacher told me that as a Chinese, we can hardly aviod Chinese-English when writing, even though as an English teacher. So I hope there's a native speaker who can fix my composition. Please, no pressure! You just have to tell me which sentence is too Chinese-English and suggest me the way you express it as a native speaker.
This composition is a kind of long; I posed it in my blog:
http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-mEO4V7QlYqFym1.gRw--?cq=1&p=3
Thanks very much!

Answer 1

Instead of writing down the changes I feel you should make, I have copied your composition and put the changes in capital letters, replacing the words you used. I hope this helps. Feel free to ignore them! You write English very well. You should be proud of what you have achieved.





John was an ordinary worker, a man who loved his family, living a simple life. Common and contented, he had never asked for more THAN a happy and healthy family. However, the only request he asked was not permitted by (TOOK OUT THE) God.



One Sunday afternoon when John was watching his son playing baseball, his son, Michael fell down in front of him. The hospital told him and his wife, Denise, that Michael suffered from serious heart disease and that he needed an emergency heart transplant operation. An operation, which seemed easy, required massive bills that he could never afford. The insurance company wasn’t willing to pay for it. So he tried every means he could conceive to raise money. Though time passed, the money he raised was so little that his son even couldn’t get ONTO the waiting list. The image of a dying son and desperate wife was unbearable. John Q, therefore, decided to take a risk to save his son.



This great father barricaded himself inside the emergency room and took people there hostage (TOOK OUT S). There were patients among these people and some of them even needed immediate treatment. John didn’t ignore them but asked the doctors in the emergency room to do their best to treat them. They then knew that John wasn’t as bad as they thought and that he was a great father.



Meanwhile, the police besieged the hospital which was surrounded by news REPORTERS and live anchors. John had to negotiate with the people. He promised he would release hostages on condition that the hospital PUT his son ON the waiting list. The police tried every possible way (TOOK OUT S) to cheat him INTO releasing hostages; and at the same time COMMISSIONED a sniper to shoot John. Fortunately, the sniper missed his target and John suffered only a light injury. In the meantime, John’s story of saving his son as well as (TOOK OUT ALL) the situation (TOOK OUT S) in the emergency room was broadcasted by TV news to the whole nation.



Watching all the scenes on TV, the hospital manager was moved and decided to arrange Michael to the operation. She told Denise they would operate on Michael as soon as a feasible heart was donated. Denise was happy, but then she started worrying about whether Michael could wait until THEN. She told John about this. And again, John faced another ambivalence.



Loving his son, John couldn’t help but decide to give his own heart to Michael. He told everyone in the emergency room his decision and asked the hospital to send Michael there. Everyone tried to dissuade him, but turned out to be convinced by John’s faith and love. At the very point John was going to shoot himself, the hospital received the heart which was perfectly COMPATIBLE to Michael. And Denise managed to tell John about this in the last moment.



AT the end of the movie, everyone in the emergency room was released SAFELY. John saw Michael’s operation succeed; his new heart beat dynamically again. And then, he handcuffed himself and was taken by the police. Except for the crime OF captor, he was PROVED innocence. Even though he was still put in jail (TOOK OUT AT LAST), he thought it WAS worthy. After all, he had saved his beloved son, Michael.



Reflections



The main idea of this movie may be the great love of a father, but further, it shows the black side of modern civilizations. The devotion John HAD as a father can be SEEN easily in the movie. But if the great love of a father is a self-evident part of the movie, it is far from the most important, I think. The same kind of situations (even worse ones) can be found easily nowadays everywhere in the earth; many people may have been John. But the very fact which exists terribly was that “money is WORTH MORE than lives.” Without money, the doctor wouldn’t take any action even though facing a dying person. And how much he could pay DECIDED how well the SURGEONS OPERATED. The old expression, “life is priceless,” becomes ridiculous or even nonsense in modern times. The faith to save people that doctors should have was replaced by functionalism. And so are the insurance companies and the government institution. Does everyone advance through the civilization? Or we just breed some high-knowledged beast?” “John Q.,” perhaps, gives us another chance to think about it profoundly.

Answer 2

Not bad. Here are some suggested edits:



John was an ordinary worker, a man who loved his family, living a simple life. Common and contented, he had never asked for more than a happy and healthy family. However, his only request was not answered by God.



One Sunday afternoon, when John was watching his son playing baseball, the boy, Michael fell down in front of him. The hospital told John and his wife, Denise, that Michael suffered from serious heart disease and that he needed an emergency heart transplant, an operation that would generate massive bills that the family could never afford. The insurance company wasn’t willing to pay for it. So he tried every means conceivable to raise money. As time passed, the money he was able to raise was too little to even get his son onto the waiting list for a heart transplant. Haunted by the image of a dying son and desperate wife, John Q, decided to take a risk to save his son.



This dedicated father barricaded himself inside the emergency room and took the people there hostage. There were patients among these people, some of whom even needed immediate treatment. John didn’t ignore them but asked the doctors in the emergency room to do their best to treat them. They then realized that John wasn’t as bad as they thought, just a loving and desperate father.



Meanwhile, the police besieged the hospital, which was surrounded by news reporters and live anchors. John had to negotiate. He promised he would release hostages on condition that the hospital arrange to place his son to the waiting list. The police tried every possible ways to trick him into releasing hostages, and at the same time engaged a sniper to shoot John. Fortunately, the sniper missed his target and John suffered only a slight injury. In the meantime, John’s story of saving his son as well as all the events in the emergency room were broadcasted by TV news to the whole nation.



Watching the scenes on TV, the hospital manager was moved and decided to arrange for Michael to have the operation. She told Denise they would operate on Michael as soon as a feasible heart was donated. Denise was happy, but then she started worrying about whether Michael could wait until that. She told John about this. And again, John faced another quandary.



Loving his son, John couldn’t help but decide to give his own heart to Michael. He told everyone in the emergency room his decision and asked the hospital to send Michael there. Everyone tried to dissuade him, but eventually were convinced by John’s faith and love. At the very point John was going to shoot himself, the hospital received a heart which was perfectly compatible for Michael. And Denise managed to tell John about this at the last possible moment.



At the end of the movie, everyone in the emergency room was released safely. John saw Michael’s operation succeed; his new heart beat dynamically. And then he handcuffed himself and was taken by the police. Except for the crime of kidnapping(?) (I'm not sure what he was convicted of and captor is not a word), he was found not guilty. Even though he was still put in jail at the end, he thought it was worth it. After all, he had saved his beloved son, Michael.



Reflections



The main idea of this movie may be to demonstrate the great love of a father, but more than that, it shows the dark side of modern civilizations. The devotion John had as a father can be found readily in the movie. But if the great love of a father is a self-evident part of the movie, it is far from the most important, I think. The same kind of situations (even worse ones) can be found easily nowadays everywhere in the earth; many people may have been John. The terrible reality is that “money is more important than lives.” Without money, the doctor wouldn’t take any action, even though facing a dying person. And how much John could pay would decide how well the surgery doctors operate. The old expression, “life is priceless,” becomes ridiculous or even nonsensical in modern times. The determination to save people that doctors should have was replaced by pragmatism. Insurance companies and government institutions are driven by the bottom line, not the sanctity of life. Does civilization really advance? Or do we just evolve to be technologically more capable but less caring? “John Q.,” perhaps, gives us another chance to consider this profoundly.



Thursday May 11, 2006 - 11:24pm (CST)



Previous Post: Entry for April 12, 2006

Answer 3

A pure compound always has a fixed composition, i.e. the relative amounts of each element are constant; for example, pure water - H2O - has a fixed composition of 2 hydrogen atoms per oxygen atom. In a mixture, the relative amounts vary, depending on what the ratio between the pure substances is that make up the mixture.

Answer 4

I hope you don't mind that I copied and pasted your composition and went ahead and made the corrections myself rather than trying to correct it line by line. I hope I didn't change the meaning. You write very well. I think my changes are only minor.



"John Q." A Movie Review



Summary:



John was an ordinary worker, who loved his family and lived a simple life. Common and contented, he had never asked for more than a happy and healthy family. However, this one request was not granted by God.

One Sunday afternoon, when John was watching his son Michael playing baseball, his son fell down in front of him. The hospital told him and his wife Denise that Michael suffered from serious heart disease and that he needed an emergency heart transplant operation.

The operation was, of course, something that he could never afford on his own. Yet, the insurance company wasn't willing to pay for it either. So John tried to raise the money, himself. As too much time passed and the money he raised was so little, his son wasn't able to get onto the waiting list for a heart transplant. Seeing his son dying and his wife miserable was unbearable. So John decided to take a risk to save his son.

Thinking only as a protective father, he barricaded himself inside the emergency room and took people hostage. There were patients among them and some even needed immediate treatment. John didn’t ignore them but asked the doctors in the emergency room to do their best to treat them. They then knew that John wasn’t as bad as they thought and that he was only doing this as a desperate father.

Meanwhile, the police besieged the hospital. It was also surrounded by news reporters. John tried to negotiate with the police through the media. He promised he would release hostages on the condition that the hospital arrange that his son be on the waiting list.

The police tried every possible way to undermine him even if he was willing to release hostages. Instead, they decided to get a sniper to shoot John. Fortunately, the sniper missed his target and John suffered only a light injury.

In the meantime, John’s story of wanting to save his son as well as his compassionate behavior towards the other patients in the emergency room was being broadcasted on the news to the whole nation. Watching all the scenes on TV, the hospital manager was moved and decided to arrange for Michael to have the operation.

The manager told Denise that they would operate on Michael as soon as a feasible heart was donated. Denise was happy, but then she started worrying about whether Michael could survive until then. Still, she was able to tell John about this hoping it would solve their problems.

Loving his son, John couldn’t help but decide to give his own heart to Michael. He told everyone in the emergency room his decision and asked the hospital to send Michael there. Everyone tried to dissuade him, but recognizing John’s faith and love, they knew they would have to let John decide his own fate.

At the very point John was about to shoot himself to force the hospital to harvest his heart for his son, the hospital received another heart which was perfectly compatable with Michael. Fortunately, Denise managed to tell John about this in the last moment.

In the end, everyone in the emergency room was released unharmed. John saw Michael’s operation succeed: his new heart beating dynamically within him. Having done all he could do for his son, he handcuffed himself and was taken by the police. He was aquitted of all charges except for holding the emergency room hostage. Even though he went to jail for this, he thought it was worth it to have saved his beloved son, Michael.



Reflections:



The main idea of this movie is about the great love of a father. But further, it shows the dark side of modern civilization which values money over human lives. John Q. is a symbol of the phrase often used to describe the ordinary person: "John Q. Public." Therefore, the theme that this character faced is faced all over the world where ever money takes precidence over human lives.

In the movie, withhout money, the doctor wouldn’t take any action even though facing a dying person. This illustrates the disreguard in modern society and institutions for the old expression, “life is priceless”. Replacing this value, the insurance company and the the police function without compassion. This represents government and institutions disreguard for human life.

“John Q.,” perhaps, gives us another chance to think about what values institutions and governments and even individuals have. It raises the question of whether we have developed as a civilization to the point where we are intellectual beasts without a "heart" for what really matters.

Answer 5

You speak english very well. There was only two flaws I could find, "News Reporter" should be "News Reporters", and "he thought it’s worthy" would be better as "he thought it was worth it". You write great, and thanks for sharing that with me.



English is my native language, by the way.

Answer 6

Loved your story a lot.

Answer 7

First of all, your grammar and writing skills are far superior to many in this country who consider themselves well-educated. You should be proud of yourself and your teacher. I have made some corrections in [BRACKETS AND CAPS] immediately after the word phrase that needs to be replaced/corrected. If something is to be deleted or added it is [**ANNOTATED WITH STARS AROUND IT AND THE DELETION/ADDITION IN 'SINGLE QUOTES'**] And, as a note, story plots, particularly scripts, are generally done in present tense, not past tense, but have left your story line in past tense.



Story Plot



John was an ordinary worker[EMPLOYEE], a man who loved[LOVES] his family,[**DELETE ','**] [**ADD 'AND'**]living[LIVED] A simple life. Common and contented, he had never asked for more but[THAN] a happy and healthy family. However, the only request[THING] he asked was not permitted by the[**DELETE 'THE'**] God.



One Sunday afternoon when[WHILE] John was watching his son[SON, MICHAEL,] playing[PLAY] baseball, his son, Michael[**DELETE ',MICHAEL'**] fell down in front of him. The hospital told him and his wife, Denise, that Michael suffered from [**ADD 'A'**] serious heart disease and that[**DELETE 'THAT'**] he needed an emergency heart transplant operation. An operation,[**DELETE ','**] which seemed easy, [**ADD 'BUT'**] required massive bills that he could never afford [**ADD 'TO PAY.'**]. The insurance company wasn’t[WAS NOT] willing to pay for it[FOR THE OPERATION]. So[**ADD ','** he tried every means he could conceive [**ADD 'OF'**] to raise money. Though[**DELETE 'THOUGH'" time passed, [**ADD 'HOWEVER,'**] the money he raised was so little that his son even couldn’t[COULDN'T EVEN] get into the waiting list. The image of a dying son and desperate wife was unbearable,[**ADD 'SO'**] John Q,[**DELETE ','**] therefore,[**DELETE ','**] decided to take a risk to save his son.



This great father barricaded himself inside the emergency room and took [**ADD 'THE'**]people there [**ADD 'AS'**]hostages. There were patients among these people[HOSTAGES][**ADD ','**] and [**DELETE 'AND'**] some of them [**DELETE 'OF THEM'**] even needed immediate treatment. John didn’t ignore them[THE PATIENTS] but[AND] asked the doctors in the emergency room to do their best to treat them. They then knew that John wasn’t as bad as they thought and that he was a great father.[**TRY REWRITE -- 'THEY THEN REALIZED JOHN WASN'T BAD, BUT, INSTEAD, A DESPERATE FATHER TRYING TO SAVE HIS SON.'**]



Meanwhile, the police besieged the hospital which[AS IT] was surrounded by news reporter[REPORTERS] and live anchors[NEWS CREWS]. John had to negotiate with the people[POLICE]. He promised he would release [**ADD 'THE'**] hostages on [**ADD 'THE'] condition that the hospital arrange his son to the waiting list[**REWRITE -- 'ARRANGED FOR HIS SON TO BE ADDED TO THE WAITING LIST.'**] The police tried every possible ways[WAY] to cheat him for[AFTER] releasing [**ADD 'THE'**]hostages; and at the same time missioned[COMISSIONED] a sniper to shoot John. Fortunately, the sniper missed his target and John suffered only a light injury. In the meantime, John’s story of saving his son[**ADD EM DASH '--'**) as well as all the situations in the emergency room[**ADD EM DASH '--'**] was [**ADD 'BEING'**] broadcasted[BROADCAST] by TV news to the whole nation.



Watching all the scenes on TV[TELEVISION], the hospital manager was moved and decided to arrange [**ADD 'FOR'**]Michael to [**ADD 'HAVE'**] the operation. She told Denise they would operate on Michael as soon as a feasible[VIABLE] heart was donated[LOCATED]. Denise was happy, but then she started worrying about whether Michael could wait until that [**REWRITE -- 'WAIT THAT LONG.'**] She[DENISE] told John about this. And[ONCE] again, John faced another ambivalence[DILEMMA].



Loving his son, John couldn’t help but decide to give his own heart to Michael. He told everyone in the emergency room [**ADD 'OF'**] his decision and asked the hospital to send[BRING] Michael there. Everyone tried to dissuade him, but turned out to be convinced by John’s faith and love.[**REWRITE -- 'EVERYONE TRIED TO DISSUADE JOHN FROM KILLING HIMSELF, BUT WERE MOVED BY HIS LOVE FOR HIS SON.'**] At the very point[MOMENT] John was going[about] to shoot himself, the hospital [**REWRITE -- 'AT THE VERY MOMENT JOHN WAS ABOUT TO SHOOT HIMSELF, DENISE WAS ABLE TO TELL JOHN THAT THE HOSPITAL HAD'** received the[A] heart which was perfectly comportable[COMPATABLE] to[WITH] Michael. And Denise managed to tell John about this in the last moment.[**DELETE LAST SENTENCE**]



In[AT] the end of the movie, everyone in the emergency room was released safe[UNHARMED]. John saw Michael’s operation succeed; his new heart beat[BEATING] dynamically again. And then, he[JOHN] handcuffed himself and was taken [**ADD 'AWAY'**] by the police. Except for the crime for[OF] captor[TAKING HOSTAGES], he was sentenced[PRONOUNCED] innocence [INNOCENT OF OTHER CHARGES]. Even though he was still put in jail at last, he thought it’s worthy [**REWRITE -- EVEN THOUGH HE WAS PUT IN JAIN, AT LEAST, HE THOUGHT, IT WAS ALL WORTH IT'**]. After all, he had saved his beloved son, Michael.



Reflections



The main idea of this movie may be the great love of a father, but further, it shows the black side of modern civilizations. The devotion John did[EXPRESSED] as a father can be found easily in the movie. But[HOWEVER,] [**ADD 'EVEN'**] if the great love of a father is a self-evident part of the movie, it is far from the most important, I think. The same kind of situations (even worse ones) can be found easily nowadays everywhere in[ON] the[**DELETE 'THE'**] earth; many people may[COULD] have been John.

[**NEW PARAGRAPH**]

But the very fact which exists terribly was [**REWRITE -- 'BUT, THE TERRIBLE FACT STILL EXISTS'**]that “money is more worthy than lives.” Without money, the doctor wouldn’t[WOULD NOT] take any action even though facing a dying person. And how much he[JOHN]could pay decides[DECIDED] how well the surgery doctors operate[PERFORMED]. The old expression, “life is priceless,” becomes ridiculous or even nonsense in modern times. The faith[COMMITMENT] to save people that doctors should have was[IS] replaced by functionalism. And so are the insurance companies and the government institution[AGENCIES].

[**THIS LAST PART IS UNCLEAR WHAT YOU ARE TRYING TO SAY.**]

Does everyone advance through the civilization? Or we just breed some high-knowledged beast?” “John Q.,” perhaps, gives us another chance to think about it profoundly