Comments or edits on my college personal essay? PLEASE?

Question

In my lifetime, my family and I have experienced different lifestyles. We originally lived in San Francisco where the atmosphere was full of diverse people. Ever since then, we made a huge decision moving to Vacaville, where I spent most of my life living. Of course there was an adjustment, coming from living in a huge city to a quieter and less diverse in population. My parents would agree that the so called “adjustment” is a completely different perspective from theirs.
Both my parents came from rural countries. My father was born and raised in Lahore, Pakistan and my mother was born in Bangladesh, raised in China. Pursuing an education was very tough back then, especially when both the countries were very limited. Although, My father's side of the family had owned a unique restaurant that was in business. My father's parents and his three brothers worked together as a family to support the restaurant. However, Pakistan at the time was conflicting with governmental issues about taxes. From time to time, the government would come inside the restaurant to extort money. Otherwise, the restaurant would temporarily close down or terrorise the people who worked there. Every step of the way, my father's family had to bribe the officials to have any success in the restaurant business. To this day, Pakistan is still the poor country it is that's living off with limited freedom and victimized to terrorism.
One eventful day happened that shifted my father's life. His uncle, who

Answer 1

EDIT: so you have 2 years to work on it. I had honors English in High school, and have graduated from college; which is how and why I have my insights. This rambling family history will not get you into college.



BORING* ... and I do not agree with my government's immigration policies ... so make me care.



a then b then c then d ... and a little background with personal analysis (which I also do not care about)



P S Are you suggesting you will give the college entrance person a bribe to let you in?? {Otherwise why even bring up the subject.}

Answer 2

Error: We originally lived in San Francisco where the atmosphere was full of diverse people.

Correction: We originally lived in San Francisco, (add a coma) where the atmosphere was full of diverse people.



Error: Ever since then, we made a huge decision moving to Vacaville, where I spent most of my life living.

Correction: Since (don't start a sentence of with "ever" because it sounds improper) then, my family (don't say "we" because they are unsure of who "we" could be) made a huge decision moving to Vacaville, where I spend most of my life (don't say living, because it makes the sentence not sound proper).



Error: Of course there was an adjustment, coming from living in a huge city to a quieter and less diverse in population

Correction: Of course there was an adjustment, coming from living in a huge city to a quieter and less diverse area (added the word "area", to complete the sentence) in population.



Error: Pursuing an education was very tough back then, especially when both the countries were very limited

Correction: Pursuing an education was very tough back then, especially when both of (added this to make the sentence sound complete) the countries were very limited.



Error: My father's parents and his three brothers worked together as a family to support the restaurant.

Correction: My father's parents, along with his three brothers, (added coma's and changed around words to make the sentence sound proper) worked together as a family to support the restaurant.



Error: Every step of the way, my father's family had to bribe the officials to have any success in the restaurant business

Correction: Every step of the way, my father's family had to bribe the officials in order (added these words to make it sound complete) to have any success in the restaurant business.



Error: To this day, Pakistan is still the poor country it is that's living off with limited freedom and victimized to terrorism.

Correction: Still til this day (sounds more proper), Pakistan is still the poor country that is living with limited freedom and victimized terrorism. (I changed the sentence up to sound better).



Error: One eventful day happened that shifted my father's life. His uncle, who

Correction: Complete the sentence before sending it off because it stopped at this.

Answer 3

who was born and raised in Bama, China immigrated to the United States, California, San Francisco. During that time, the immigration policy allowed to sponsor family members to immigrate to the United States. This was during the period when entering the country was freely encouraged to stablize the economy, which introduced more people to do labor. His uncle first sponsored my father to the new country and settled living with him. After many years of suffering, he has finally come across freedom. He went back to school to study more on his (study what?), with the addition of a part time job as a cook. After achieving his studies in (study what?), my father was able to land on a stable government job, working for the state. Afterwards of fifteen hard working years, my father and his uncle were able to organized a business together at IHOP and became entrepreneurs. Additionally he was able to purchase a car and a house to himself.

The economic condition in Pakistan made money and living standards in tight situations. Before my father's family had own their restaurant, there would be days where they lived in darkness for days without power. The local area was very limited and couldn't supply enough electricity for everyone. Additionally, days with blazing weather would shut off within minutes. It would take within hours, and sometimes days for it to turn back on.

Bangladesh was too a corrupted country. My mother had struggled to find jobs there, but luckily had help with her aunt to work in a Beauty parlor shop. She had a full time job there for six years, with the addition of helping her family's restaurant, located beneath the shop. Her family also had to live in the shops, compacted with the employees that worked in the restaurant too. Public utilities were uneasily managed. Water in faucets and showers were murky and unsanitary to bathe. The electricity wasn't fully reliant to use, occasionally having black outs and shortages.

My mother applied a visa at the Banglesdesh Embassy. This permit only allowed visitors to stay in the United States temporarily. Fortunately, she settled in Los Angeles with her aunt whom she had worked with at Bangledesh. She continued to skill her way up working in a beauty parlor, but additionally went back to attend school and studied cosmetology at a beauty school. She then began a higher position as a barber, making a better living than before.

Working hard with determination can accomplish the desires in life. My parents shaped my life from what they've experienced from corrupt countries, immigrating the the United States and making a better living. Their lifestyles has shifted imensely that can undoubtfully be as hard of workers as I can imagine.