read my essay please?

Question

the topic is "society's expectations undermine the individual"
its not done but i'd like some tips.
thanks.

I tapped my foot nervously as I sat in the in the hospitals waiting room, desperately longing for a nurse to come and get me. I had probably sat here about fifty times now, in the same old brown leather chair, torn at the edges. The soft filling was poking out at the tears, looking as if it just wanted to get out. Just like I did. I just wanted to get up and leave, but I knew deep down, I had to get better. The paint on the walls was peeling off at the picture rail, the cheap tacky paintings hung solemnly on the nails that were beginning to scrape the plaster. Every eye in the room was on me, starring, as if I was some kind of freak. I knew what they were thinking, I saw the old women whispering to one another, their harsh eyes judged me, as they pointed at my skinny ankles and frowned at my mother.

My mother was standing by the front desk filling out a form, anxiously hurrying her hand across the page. My little sister Debbie stood by her side clutching her jeans. I missed being a little girl; I longed for the innocence of childhood and the insignificance of the world surrounding you. I missed playing with my dolls, as if they were the only things that mattered, and I missed being healthy. Her curly red hair gathered around her shoulders, clutching the fibres of her woolen jumper. I hope she never turns out like me, I thought to myself. But I knew she would be smart enough to not give into the pressures.

I shivered; a cold breeze flowed through the open window, catching my hair on its way in. I caught my reflection in the mirror on the wall above the receptionist’s chair, my collarbones jutted out from my chest, the grooves were beginning to deepen, as my skin stretched, sinking into dark holes above the bone. I hated looking at myself; I despised what I saw in the mirror. My face had become dull and pale; my skin was dry and pasty. As much as I tried to cover it up with makeup, I could see the dark circles seeping though. I could see the unhappiness in my face and the longing to be ‘normal’. I hope no one noticed.

I picked up a magazine on the bench next to me, flicking through the glossy pages, slightly glancing at the articles about fashion or dieting. It killed me. I didn’t need to see anymore, the photos tormented me like monsters in a child’s nightmare. But I couldn’t help it; I opened it to fashion editorial about a new line of clothing by Holden Caulfield. The models in the photos were so tall and skinny; their legs were like toothpicks and their bones stuck out like knives. How I longed to look like those girls, the girls in every magazine, the girls you see in movies and on TV, those girls everyone hates, but secretly want to be. Those girls, they’re everywhere you go, the clothing is made for them, they’re roaming your streets, on billboards, advertisements, and spinning through your head everyday. Society places them there, drills them right in, and it turns you upside down and inside out.

For the past year of my life I have suffered from anorexia, a disorder that envelopes you, eats you up and spits you out. “Millie?” my mother said, walking over as I flicked through the latest vogue. She snatched it out of my hand, shaking her head. I saw the anger in her eyes, not for me, but for the magazine, for the terrible expectations it puts on young girls like me. She sat down on the chair next to me, and placed her hand on my thigh, smoothing out the creases in my school dress. “You’re so beautiful you know” she said softly. But I didn’t believe her. I would never believe her, not that I didn’t think she meant it. Mothers are supposed to say things like that.

All of a sudden my head was spinning, dizziness overtook my mind, my body, my limbs began to convulse as the room began to twist and turn. I saw the horrified look on Debbie’s face, her innocence was stolen, stolen by her own sister. My mother began to yell something, I couldn’t quite make out what she said as I collapsed into a heap on the floor. With my limbs still shaking my eyes closed as I drifted off.

Answer 1

This is very good; better than I could do, anyway. There are a couple of minor errors simply in grammar and spelling (for instance, "starred" should be "stared", and there's a sudden change into present tense and back again in "I hope no one noticed"), but I'm not trying to nitpick, just trying to help. :)

Answer 2

In your thesis you're arguing approximately a "Puritanical strive," however you do not relate Puritanism till the tip of the essay. Who precisely do you consider had been the American Puritans within the Nineteen Sixties/Nineteen Seventies? John Winthrop was once centuries lifeless earlier than the Vietnam War, so you do not fairly relate his recommendations to twentieth century--he was once truthfully speaking approximately Puritans being toward God than some other Christians or heathens-it had not anything to do with the US as a entire. Then you get into how the US was once going to get guerrillas to give up. But the relaxation of the paragraph has extra to do with how the U.S. truthfully killed and maimed blameless villagers. Then you deliver up the concept that a Capitalist govt has the most powerful navy. Instead of helping that concept you supply a path of parties. In the final paragraph you deliver up the Containment coverage, however you do not provide an explanation for what it's. When writing an essay. Start with an summary. Your creation offers the argument you're going to make. In the frame, each and every sentence that begins a paragraph demands to aid that argument. The relaxation of the paragraph then helps the primary sentence. The last paragraph then summarizes and makes a end. Reread this essay to look if all of that is precise. The first and final sentence of your final paragraph do not even make experience grammatically (learn them out loud). You additionally have to understand how to make use of commas. Sorry, you stated to be central. I'd supply you a C- established on grammatical errors, spelling errors, complicated recommendations, and a average loss of attention at the argument.

Answer 3

hah you're totally from i.g.g.s in yr 12 ;)